When Leaders Cry

Doors! the sound tech’s voice boomed. And hundreds of employees poured into the giant hotel ballroom. Room lights dimmed as the spotlights bathed the massive stage revealing a colorful, themed background. Sounding like the voice of God, the sound tech again spoke: “Ladies and gentlemen, the CEO of Acme Manufacturing, Jan Topdog.”

The CEO, scripted through a teleprompter and supported by dazzling slides, gave the financial history and projected goals. The scene was like a gazillion other big deal meetings. But, this one was different.

Without warning the CEO moved to the edge of the stage. The speech changed from one of pragmatism to passion. As the CEO began to talk about the power of the company’s vision and the value of every employee, big tears began to fall to the stage floor. As the CEO completed the final sentence there was a long silence. The audience sat overwhelmed by what they had just witnessed. Then, they leapt to their feet for a long standing ovation.

Real leaders have the courage to be authentic. It was not his tears that moved this audience—it was his courage to be unabashedly authentic—to be publicly real. Whether the emotion is anger, compassion, pain, or joy, the authenticity of leaders changes the nature of the connection and invites a valued link with others.

Leaders too often associate their mantle of authority with a requirement for detachment. “I don’t care if my employees like me,” the swashbuckling ruler announces, “I just want them to respect me.” Such a view is often a preamble to emotional distance and calculated encounters. The pursuit of aloofness as the expression of authority invites evasiveness, not enthusiasm. It triggers reserve, not respect. An open-door policy is not about a piece of furniture. It is about an attitude of vulnerability.

Organizations with genuine leaders have more than their share of employee engagement and cutting-edge breakthroughs. Turnover is lower because people value an environment free of passive-aggressive game playing, cynicism, and suspicion. Customers are loyal longer because they trust what they experience. Suppliers give better breaks because they view encounters as long-term investments, not short-term transactions.

Real leaders don’t wear rank. Combat troops are better behaved in the field (where battle is likely to occur) than in the relative safety of the rear area. As an infantry commander in Viet Nam, I wondered if it was related to the fact that military leaders remove markings of rank while in the field, since enemy snipers seek to get battlefield leaders in their crosshairs to strip their adversary of command. This left the concept of “leadership” less related to obvious authority and more with subtle influence. It also took the focus off of “whom” and placed it squarely on “what.” Those officers who resorted to barking orders in a desperate attempt to signal rank often found their edicts sabotaged or circumvented by adroit foot soldiers skilled at deception.

Once I invited a fellow consultant to assist me with a group of senior executives of a long-term client. She had heard me rave about the CEO of this company. Her flight was delayed and the meeting was underway when she arrived, preventing me from introducing her. After listening to the group in a spirited dialogue over a strategic challenge, she asked me, “Which one is the CEO?” It was the highest compliment I could have bestowed on a leader fond of saying, “Never add any more leadership than is needed.” Leaders without rank busy themselves with the business of mission and course, not might and conceit.

Real leaders care about spirit. “This is the best work I have ever done in my life,” said a colleague who had just completed a difficult consulting project. What I witnessed was not the pride in his voice, but the lump in his throat and the emotion in his eyes. Chores extract toil, but causes unearth spirit. Real leaders care less about toil and more about spirit. They see spirit as a light that can easily go dim and view their role as helping associates keep the rheostat turned up. They do this by constantly reminding them of the cause and by personally demonstrating passion about that cause.

Great leadership comes from creating a remarkable experience for associates. Real leaders know that if they constantly give employees their best enthusiasm, zeal will be the response.

Real leaders invite passion. “You are Interstate Hotels and Resorts,” said Vice President Jill Kallmeyer at her recent all-managers conference. “So take personally every encounter with every guest and every associate.” Jill is renowned for her passion for the employees and customers. Real leaders look for ways to add value “to every encounter.” Instead of shouting an order, they inspire with a story. Instead of learning about customer experiences from a survey, they find out face to face and ear to ear. Instead of being quick to blame, they assume the best and avoid assumptions. They are myth-averse, preferring to unearth the facts, not rely on insinuations. Their “up close and personal” approach attracts passion for those around them.

Margery Williams’ Velveteen Rabbit contains great lessons for leaders in the dialogue between the wise skin horse and naive rabbit. “Real isn’t how you are made,” said the skin horse to the rabbit. “It’s a thing that happens to you. It doesn’t happen all at once, you become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.” Realness comes through promoting others, not on preening self.